How to talk with your child about the war in Ukraine

From healthychildren.org

        The war in Ukraine is distressing to all of us. Children and teens are wondering what has happened and what may happen next. Like adults, they are better able to cope with upsetting news and images when they understand more about the situation.
        Here are some suggestions to help you support your child in a constructive and helpful way.
        • Ask what your child has heard already. Many kids likely heard about the war in Ukraine and its regional and global impact. This information may come from TV, the internet, social media, school, friends or from overhead comments among adults. However, much of their information may not be accurate.
        As children explain what they know about the situation, listen for misunderstandings or frightening rumors. Acknowledge confusion. You might explain that even adults do not know all that is going on—news reports can change quickly or provide conflicting viewpoints.
        • Respond with honest reassurance and don't discount fears. Adults are concerned about many of aspects of the crisis, such as the safety and well-being of civilians in Ukraine. They worry about whether Russia might use nuclear weapons in Ukraine or other countries or may even attack the United States. They also have broader concerns about the financial impact the war may have here and the stress that may create for families.
        Children may have some of these same concerns, but they often have very different ones, too. This is why it is so important that we ask them directly about their worries. Give honest explanations to correct misunderstandings or misinformation, but don't ignore or minimize their fears. Help your child identify ways to cope with anxiety, sadness and fears rather than pretend that they don't or shouldn't exist.
        The older the child is, the more discussion they may need to answer their questions and address their concerns. Begin by providing the basic information in simple and direct terms. For example, explain how the war is likely to impact them and their family personally. Then ask if they have any questions.
        Point out that people in the United States and elsewhere are taking active steps to try to improve the situation for Ukrainian citizens and to keep all of us safe. Children often look for reassurance that they're safe after such graphic reminders of violence and conflict.
        • Avoid exposure to graphic images and repetitive media coverage. It's helpful for children to know enough to feel they understand what has happened. But exposure to graphic images, massive amounts of information or continuous and repetitive media coverage isn't.
        Interviews with people injured in war or the families and friends of those who died, even if they don't show any graphic violence or destruction, can also be very unsettling. They can trigger feelings of grief in children who have experienced the death of a friend or family member, even if unrelated to violence.
        Limit the amount of exposure to media coverage and discussion in social media. Consider this an opportunity to take a time out from television, computers and phones and come together as a family and community for discussion and support.
        • Recognize that some children may be at greater risk of distress. Children and teens understand and react to distressing events differently based on their developmental age and unique personal experiences. Some children will feel the impact more than others and may need more help coping. Obviously, if children have family or friends in Ukraine, this war will feel very close to home. But children with no personal relationship to Ukraine or its people may also be at risk of troubling reactions.
        • Provide thoughtful answers to common questions
        Children and teens are likely to ask a number of common questions in times of crisis and upheaval. Choose answers that provide honest information and helpful reassurance. Some examples may include:
        - Could this have been prevented? Even though it seems obvious to adults that there is nothing children could have done to prevent the war, children may feel helpless and wish they could have changed what has happened.            Reassure children that our country is doing all it can to respond effectively, keep us safe and end the war. Suggest steps that can help those affected (write letters, say prayers, learn more about Ukrainian culture) and encourage children to work to promote safety, tolerance and acceptance in our own communities.
        - Whose fault is it? It is natural to engage in thoughts of blame. In some ways, blaming is a way we feel we can regain control of uncomfortable feelings and diminish a sense of personal risk. However, when individuals and groups take violent, aggressive action against those they deem "responsible," their actions are often misdirected and harm innocent people. We must remember that not all citizens of Russia are responsible for the actions of the Russian government. People of Russian descent, including American citizens, should not be blamed for the war, but they may become frightened if they feel wrongly accused or worry about being targeted.
        As Americans, we take pride that our population includes many different races, religions, sexual orientations and ethnic backgrounds. This is a time to join together in our country and continue to be inclusive, accepting and supportive of all who seek peace.
        - Is this going to change my life? When there is a crisis, they may become even more concerned about what affects them personally. Once they feel reassured that they are being listened to and their needs will be met, they are more likely to be able to start to think about the needs of others.
        - Can I help? Once children start to feel safe and understand what is going on, many will want to help. Though there may be little that they can do to help the immediate victims of violence in Ukraine, there are positive things they can do.
        They can start by taking care of themselves—telling you when they are upset or worried, being honest and open. They can think about how they, along with other members of their community, might be able to do something helpful for the victims and survivors of the war—perhaps by working with charitable organizations as a family or school project.
        Don't worry about the perfect thing to say. Often what children and teens need most is to have someone they trust listen to their questions, accept their feelings and be there for them. Listen to their thoughts and concerns. Answer their questions with simple, direct, and honest responses. Provide appropriate reassurance and support.
        While we would all want to keep children from ever having to hear about the horrors of war, the ready availability of news and images of the war does not allow this. Being silent about the war won't protect children from what happened—it will only prevent them from understanding and coping with it. Not communicating about what is happening in the war may actually increase anxiety, leading children to imagine that there are more dangerous and personally threatening events about to occur.
        However, if children continue to be very upset for several days, seem unable to cope with their fears, or are having trouble in school, at home or with their friends, it is a good idea to speak with someone outside the family for advice. The war may have triggered other distressing experiences, worries or concerns.
        For more information and parenting tips, visit healthychildren.org, a parenting website by the American Academy of Pediatrics backed by 67,000 pediatricians committed to the attainment of optimal physical, mental, and social health and well-being for all infants, children, adolescents, and young adults.